‘Well hello alien. Glad to meet you. Let’s talk. Let’s, oh f***. …….
How can you talk by thought to something on your shoulder you can’t see, that’s been there all your life, knows your life history, that comes from an intelligence out there in the bleeding stars, who can only respond by email on the company intranet.
Jesus I need a Bud.
……….OK GrarB. Do you mind if I call you that? Or are you a trate?
Trate is just a username. But,hey TC anything is great, funnily enough it does sound like my ancient name I think. We don’t have labels, but I kind of like it.
Jesus, again. Where do I start? Uhh where are you from, why are you here, what do you look like, what do….
Slow down TC. We’ve loads of time to talk. I know it’s a shock to you but now the channel is open it can’t be closed. I’ll answer any questions I can, but have another Bud, whatever pleasures you experience sort of increases my level of respactibe –oh sorry –I’ll explain that word later. I won’t tell you where I’m from yet, it would confuse you, as for why I’m here it’s probably also best to wait, what I look like, well I don’t know, nobody’s asked before and I’ve never thought of it.
I tell you what I’ll be gentle with you to start just like you said to Emma.
Hey man that’s what I did say to Emma
I’m only using your phraseology
You mean you’ve been listening. Oh Shit of course you have. You’re there all the bloody time. You must have watched me…
Slurpfurkle. Oh yes but no I don’t watch. I can’t see. My receptors take it in analyse, store and report
Slurpfurkle what the shit is that?
Well it’s when you conjoin, congress, screw, shag whatever is the current vernacular
Slurpfurkle. Is that a cool name for screwing or what?
Don’t know TC. I can only tell as it is.
What are you?
Well a sort of remote intelligent neural monitoring system
A system not an alien?
Well yes and no, we are a sort of projection of our alien selves that can quite happily observe the human development with no maintenance or energy. Well not quite true, we take it from you. We are living beings but not in your way, but I’ll come to that later,
How come I can’t see you or touch you?
Simple really TC. When we first showed up as visible alien forms your predecessors sort of accepted us as they would a beard, woad or headdress but as you became more intelligent or should we say questioning, those who were our hosts began to use it as a power or religious symbol which upset the development of your race which we were impartially observing. So we made ourselves invisible.
You can’t just……
Yes we did. We just tinkered a little with your brain and the images of us sent by your eye are just cancelled out although we are there your brain just doesn’t register a visual presence. Well some do, like kids who have imaginary friends. Their over active brain often overrides our tinkering but they grow out of it and we make sure they don’t remember
What do you look like? If I could see you?
I’ll reveal that to you later. You won’t be scared of disappointed.
Which shoulder are you on?
You’re left handed so I’m on your right shoulder
Why is that?
Don’t know really. I’ll think on it and get back you.
Why can’t I touch or feel you
Well I’m a sort of hologram but not a hologram. I have a physical form but you can’t feel me I’m sort of transparent. In fact you wouldn’t understand it at this point, maybe later.
How old are you?
Well I’ve being doing this job for about 50,000 of your years before that I was twezdorp for about 12 minutes when I was created. That’s like a trainee where I develop the necessary skill to be a Grarb. I suppose that makes me 50,000 years and 12 minutes old.
Jesus H. So who’s shoulders have you been on before?
Can’t remember really, I get wiped every time I find a new host. Occasionally I can recall some I do remember an Eddy Plenty Holes in the 1800’s, he was a Red Indian, fascinating man. Another was one of Virgils slaves somewhere up in the Alps around 20BC, very naughty man that Virgil, also I was …….oh I can’t remember. I tell you what I’ll give you a few more later.
Where are you from?
Oh that would probably blow your mind but I will tell you later. Best you accept that we come from a place created by the Originals – I’ll explain them later – not a planet, only human life forms as you know it live on planets. The universe is merely a system for your development, which we observe.
You observe? How bloody big is it?
Not as big as you think. Your astronomers only see what we let them see. It’s like an optical illusion but it does keep them intrigued does it not TC. As your knowledge develops we tinker a bit more , like throw in dark matter or black holes for you to discover. We’ve got a great one planned for you in a couple of years or when we think you may be ready.. A signal from an alien planet.
You are joking
No, you are a bloody violent lifeform and if we feel international tension is rising too fast with it’s attendant dangers to humanity we’ll come up with diversionary tactics and spook the shit out of you.
What other tactics do you have?
I’ll come to that later
OK. How many planets have life GrarB?
Oh about 1,729. But only 223 as developed as yourselves. We call them bios.
Are they like parallel worlds?
Well they have developed almost equally with you. Some in front, some behind in human development and technology but all driven by the same human desires. Not parallel, more a circle with some closer to the middle than others.
Am I in these other worlds?
Mostly, but family trees develop differently in each bios so may be a generation or two in front or behind and have a different name but not always.
Are these worlds the same geographically and geo-physically. You know the same continents?
Mostly they have seven tectonic plates, five key climate zones, the same orbit and rotation
But one did not develop beyond a single plate which you call pangaea, which is sort of C shaped around the equator. Human development has been slow there because of the climate
And also the moon is for some reason is further away and the sun is hotter, must have been a design fault. The Originals wanted to destroy it but I think we’re going to wait a few million years to see what happens. I’ll let you know. Oh you won’t be here TC. Whoops.
What happens when we die?
You die TC. The end is the end except we recycle some of your behaviour and personality assets to embryos
Why are you here?
Apart from watching you slurpfurkle – joking TC – to monitor your development and correct any trend we feel may compromise or be inappropriate for your future.
You mean you sort of guide or push into what you feel is the way we should be developing? But what do you want us to develop into?
Can’t answer that mate I’m just programmed to monitor and report. But we are trying to guide you into a better creature physically, mentally and you know…. like kind or kinder
Jesus H Christ I don’t know what the f*** I’m supposed to ask now. I need to sleep on this or go and get pissed with Emma or Ben or go to my doctor or shrink or………
TC nobody will believe you whatever you say.
Bloody damned right GrarB you’ve done my head right in. I am, was, a pretty cool guy with ambition, friends a lifestyle many would die for and now I’m saddled with a knowledge and secret that’s going to isolate myself from the rest of humanity. Thank you Grarb.
Sorry old chap - I do pick up the vernacular quickly - maybe you should get pissed and reassess in the morning. Sorry about ‘pissed’, I do as you will lean, pick up on profanity. There’s no going back I’m afraid. Probably the best thing to do is write it down. That’s what a counsellor would recommend.
And if somebody reads it?
Tell them it’s pure fiction. It’s got the making of a good story matey boy. It’s easier to write the truth than fiction and in a similar bios you were a good writer.
I was?
Yeah man your name was Arthur C Clark
You are taking the piss GrarB
Yes –I also pick up your humour quickly
Are you the only alien race?
Far As I know TC unless the originals haven’t told us everything
Is that possible?
Oh yes anything is possible with the originals
What about sightings of UFO’s was that your lot?
Possibly, we do have a maintenance team that comes over now and then to tinker with our comms or adjust a situation that could cause problems to your development. But generally most can’t see us. Now and again we like to intrigue you. You need to feel there is life out there it helps motivate your pioneering spirit.
What about Roswell and Area 52 do they have alien remains?
Sort of, our special effects team created some stunning ones to give to the Americans in 1947. In the cold war there was a psychological battle between the Iron Curtain countries and the West. At one time we foresaw there could be a nuclear war, started by the Ruskies at a later date, which would have caused us all a few problems. I certainly didn’t really a fancy a good nuking. So we gave them an alien. Russian spies in the US army then reported back that the US did have aliens and probably alien technology. That made old Nikita Kruschov think twice.
You changed history?
No, just created a scenario that would make human decisions a little more rationale. Can’t have dictators upsetting me and my trates – mates to you. Besides my host at the time was Richard Alpert, a mate of Timothy Leary. Both were into magic mushrooms and could actually see me at times. That was powerful stuff I even thought I was talking to an original.. We had some great nights though talking just like I’m talking to you but without a computer
Did they talk to anyone about it?
No, when they woke up it was just a hazy recollection and a headache. Bit like Pete Doherty does most days.
'Eat your heart out Mulder & Scully, the truth's not out there it's in here'
A few buds and JD’s later I was still discussing and trying to understand what the hell was going on and how t I could handle it. Then I needed to sleep.
